My inadequacies shine brightest inside me. I'd imagine it is true for a lot of people, we work hard to put our best foot forward but in are own thoughts were know where and how much we fall short. We look in the mirror, into our own eyes and sometimes think "I'm a fraud and not nearly as put together as people think". Most of the time we only see the outer shell, the public image, the best foot - and we don't know what struggles or turmoil it takes to present the outer shell to the rest of the world.
I'm a big fan of routines. During the week, as family we have a daily routine. I have a routine at work. In the summer I have a running routine. As a coach I have a practice routine. And on Sunday's we have a routine.
- Get up and watch a little TV
- Start getting ready for church
- Get the boys ready for church
- Get to church 3-10 minutes late
- Socialize after church for 20 minutes
- Boys go to Sunday School, we come home and putter
- Pick up boys and head to in-laws for Sunday Supper
- Relax in the afternoon
- Have dinner and get ready for Monday
Even when I'd rather not go, when I worry that I won't get anything from the experience, when I fell disconnected with my faith, we still go to Church. I like going to Church, even when my faith is struggling I enjoy the church community, the people, the songs, the example it sets for our kids. Also, there is possibility that God will smack me upside the head and tell me to pay attention. Even when my passion is faltering, it is good to have the "Sunday Infrastructure" in place so that I can capitalize on it when ready.
A year ago a close friend, a neighbor, a loved one was diagnosed with Cancer. 36, believer, wife, mother, friend, jogger, health food junkie, nurse, kind, loving, and utterly undeserving of what she as given. But there she was - one day thinking she had a clogged milk duct and the next day being told "Nope, it's cancer."
"Good news mam, your milk duct isn't clogged"
SUCK
"But Doc, since I've lived my life correctly, since I do the correct things and since I'm so young and healthy, it's a very beatable, relatively harmless cancer and only in that one spot right?"
Stage IV: Tumors in the breast, cancer in her lymphnodes, tumors on her spine
SUCK
"So Doc, a lot of money is spent on cancer research and treatment, I'm sure there a lot of documented success fighting this"
...
SUCK
So she prays, and fights, and does treatment and treatment, and pray, and exercises, and prays, and takes organic to an entirely new level, and prays and her family prays and a network of a over 1000 people join her with journey. Money is raised to help with bills, friend and family from all across the country "vacation" in Byron Center, just to lend a hand for a few days when they can and they all pray.
I cried more than once just in awe what was happening.
And today, what could have killed her by last December is nowhere to be found in her body. Hey cancer you messed with the wrong person. You messed with a fighter whose determination and faith makes my inadequacy shine like a spot light. You messed with a person who, along with her support network told you go take a long walk off I high, short, cliff.
About three weeks ago all the biopsies came back negative, no cancer cells of any sort - I sent a congratulatory text, to my neighbor, the cancer slayer, the Fight Club Captain. Here is the conversation.
Fight Club Captain: I know, so pumped!
Me: Seriously, it's so awesome
Fight Club Captain: They were shocked, truly an act of God!
Me: Your situation makes me both angry and happy at God. It is all so very confusing
Fight Club Captain: Be angry at the world that makes decisions base don greed and anti-God, the way he intended it. I believe the guidance of if the holy spirit within me led me to health which is what God intended for this world.
Me: I know it is something I have to work on
Fight Club Captain: We all do, I have no idea how I would be feeling right now if I were being signed up for hospice. But regardless, I have felt his presence even in the darkest hours.
Me: I am glad you have been feeling his presence - I will grow form this but I hate that you are dealing with so much and I am complaining about my faith.
Fight Club Captain: There is not guilt in this, just reality. I had no idea how little I really trusted God until something huge happened. You are just bring more real about your feelings. It is such a journey.
Me (crying): :) thank you
Me: Btw, you guys are awesome neighbors
Shining super super bright...
SUCK
On a different note: Today is an early publish, but I won't eat solid. I started the day at 204, will finish above 2000 calories today.
Oddly enough, the most tempting thing I've come across in 5-Days.
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